Missing The Moral Fiber

To sum up the past weekend: holy drunkness, Batman.

As I’ve written in the past, my free weekends during the winter occur as often as comic book movies get nominated for Oscars. So when I have a few days off, I try to make the most of it. And if ‘the most of it’ meant defiling yourself with alcohol, consider the goal achieved. Kids, don’t try this at home.

Upon arriving at the abode Friday, Roommate A was up in the air about what he wanted to do, as he had a drive to Maine planned for Saturday. Our options were to either lay low and grab a movie or head out into the night, knowing he would probably take it easy and drive us back. Well, you can probably guess how this went as we ended up bar-hopping in Manch-vegas and ending up at the corner of Smashed Ave. and Drunk Street. In fact, the comment of the night toward yours truly was “Man, you’re drunk!”

This seemed to be a running theme for some reason, which I still can’t understand. If someone’s drunk but not causing any damage nor vomiting on waitresses nor passing out in bathroom stalls, I’d consider that a normal state of drunkness. So I was in that zone Friday, but yet three or four people managed to keep pointing out my inebriated state. Unbelievably irritating because I couldn’t figure out if there was something I was doing out of the ordinary. On the post-evening follow-up calls, nothing interesting was revealed so I guess I’ll chalk it up to the company of the evening. However, my buddy made plans for us to go to Boston on Saturday with some random girls while I think I made a date with someone that works part-time in the office. Monday should be pretty good at the old arena.

Of course, it came to that turning point of the night when we both looked at each other and said, “How are we getting home?” I had a place lined up for us to stay, but somehow my friend decided that despite matching me drink for drink all night, he was ok to drive home. Somehow my good buddy Mr. Reasoning fell asleep and I said, “Sure!” Just stupid. I hate when I talk about how it’s stupid to drunk drive and that a $20 cab ride is a lot better than a $2000 fine and possibly killing someone, yet just go ahead and participate anyway. Ugh. But I guess we learn from our mistakes and we made it back safely, even if I was giving directions and telling the driver when to turn off the high beams for oncoming traffic. Double ugh. Won’t happen again, I hope. Thus ends Friday…

Saturday turned out to be more of the same as I did absolutely nothing all day, despite the best intentions to hit up the mall, but got prepped for a trip to Nashua to again hit up the town with the roommate and another friend. It’s amazing how lazy someone can be until it’s time to get sh*tfaced again, then it’s like getting ready for the Oscars. And that trip to Boston? Yeahhhh, that didn’t happen after all. In fact, my roommate didn’t even remember giving out his number. Gin and Tonics are great mind erasers, I tell ya! Not much else to report other than we ended up the night somewhere in Massachusetts at a place that used to be a strip club, complete with the stripper poles/stage that is still up. In other words, this place seems great for a first date. Apparently, we also got there in time for Gang Wars Night. As we were walking up to the door, these two guys come running out chasing after some truck that was screeching out of the parking lot. As we walked in, about 20 people were being ushered out that was also involved in a fracas. It was great…less people at the bar to deal with.

The moral of the story: if every weekend was like this, I’d either be close to dead or fronting a big-time rock band.

In other news:

–Do you think the most-stolen/lost cd in recent memory is Under The Table and Dreaming by Dave Matthews Band? Who doesn’t know someone that has claimed it to be taken from their cd case? I bet that disc has more people buying it multiple times than any other disc in history. No. 2? The debut from C & C Music Factory.

–Who ever came up with the saying, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”? What else do you do with cake?

–Every time I watch Spanish TV, I’m definitely entertained. And Beavis and Butthead were right: there’s always a fat host and a really hot girl. Speaking of B and B, remember how hot that cartoon was and the controversy it raised because of the guys’ lewd behaviour? Seems a bit tame now, right? Man, the stuff people got worked up about back in the day…

–Forgive me if you’ve heard the weatherpeople rant, but with yet another DEADLY WINTER STORM upon us, I need to bring it out. Every time there’s a flake about to hit the ground, the news channels go on high alert with their various Storm Centers and trackers and everything possible to convince the public that chaos is about to ensue. Nothing like getting everyone worked up in a frenzy, so that they stay home and continue to watch the news for the latest updates. Brilliant!

And then, when a storm doesn’t exactly hit the mark and we get one inch instead of the 12-14, there’s no repercussions on the weatherpeople that got it wrong. Seriously, if you’re a meteorologist and you’re right 20% of the time, that’s successful. Any other profession in the world that featured employees being consistently incorrect would be considered a joke. Yet, this society of fools continues to hoodwink people that don’t know any better. In an ideal world, there would an on-air flogging or hairpiece removal or something. Then again, in a profession that has people named Flip Spiceland, Aloha Taylor and Dallas Rains working in it can’t have that much credibility anyway.

And why during any storm, even a small one, does everyone go to the grocery store and stock up? It’s like everyone’s pantry is bare and if they go a day without having Elio’s Pizza, Twix or Wonder Bread, disaster will strike. Again, these are things I think about while driving around.

–This question got some laughs this week: What’s the difference between local anesthesia and national anesthesia?

Thanks for reading,

p.s. To my new blog ‘rival’ Mr. Rathbun: be careful about the weapons you bring to the fight. The army can turn at any minute…


Hi. How the hell are you? I’m good and thanks for asking.

Don’t you love the ‘Hi…how are you doing?’ type exchanges you do every day and always end up in either ‘Not bad’ (an awful answer if you really think about it) or ‘good.’ I hate it. I’ll either go out of my way to brush people off with a ‘Hey man’ to a guy or a ‘Hey…not man’ to a female. Seriously, every day we fake interact with people in this fashion and it drives me crazy. No one really cares how we’re doing and I could give a pile of monkey sh*t if someone I barely know if having a good day either. But it’s this bizarre social gesture we continually subject ourselves too. Bleech.

And if you can’t tell, I’m on my second rum and coke and it’s Sunday at around 8 pm. Boo-ya…I have Monday off! Hooray!!!

So I was going to post sometime this past week to make up for the lack of Sunday effort, but decided not to because I am mentally barely caught up from last weekend’s All-Star game. It’s amazing how fast 48 hours can go and how exhilirating, exhausting and full of expletives that span of time can be filled with. Long story short, everything went great, we got rave reviews from fans, executives and the league alike and yours truly is back on a normal sleeping schedule again…kind of. Plus, I got the gift of an IPod as a thanks for doing a great job which was awesome and almost fully puts me in the ‘I got one of those!’ mainstreams. 20 gigs and four full books of CD’s…what to do?

(For our new readers: I work as a Director of Ticket Sales for a pro hockey team in Manchester, NH and we hosted the league’s All-Star game this past weekend. I’m 27, white, single and love rum. Now, you’re up to speed.)

What else?

–Books. I just finished the autobiography of Ric Flair (arguably the greatest pro wrestler in history), which took me waaayyyy too long to complete. I love reading, but finding the time to commit to it is another story. There are a ton of books out there that I’d love to pick up, but I also have an equal amount that are on my nightstand that I’d like to finis but probably never will. If you’re like me, you’re in the same predicament. I just started Fargo Rock City, which is the first book by Nason Book Club author Chuck Klosterman who did Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs. But holy shnikes, there’s a LOT of books out there about every possible subject. It’s unreal, but gives me hope that my books might have a chance. That is, if I ever write them.

–The Napoleon Complex: First, Napoleon is a damn tough word to spell. Second, I’m sure you’ve heard of the great offbeat 2004 movie Napoleon Dynamite. After that sentence, either you’re happy, shaking your noggin and saying how the movie was awful or you haven’t seen it. I’m amazed at the fact there’s no consensus opinion on Dynamite, which I first saw in the theatre and fell in love with. While not big on special effects, stars or flashiness, it’s a simple movie designed to tell the story of an eccentric nerd growing up in Idaho? Over the top at times? Absolutely. But for every ‘yeah, right. Like that would happen’ moment, there’s shred of actual American truth. That’s right – Napoleon is American youth – love him or hate him.

I think why the movie hit a chord with me is that I can relate to the main character. Coming up through school, I wasn’t the coolest guy, I took the bus to school through my senior year of high school and while I had friends, they weren’t Summer Wheatley or Donnie. While it’s seemingly cool these days to say you were a dork in high school, Dynamite relates to those who actually were. I was checking out hockey sites at work the other day and saw that one team had its players doing movie reviews. They reviewed the movie, and like most jock-types, they all hated it because they couldn’t come close to understanding it. It’s not meant to be great cinema, but is certainly funnier than Wes Anderson movies or Me, Myself and Irene – possibly the most overrated comedy released in the last decade. (Told you I’d get the last laugh, guys…)

–Yeaahhhhhhh, so the Black Eyed Peas? They can go away for a while now.

–Speaking of movies, who here has seen The Village? If you have, keep reading but if not, skip this altogether and re-read once you’ve seen it. Seriously, it’s been out since August…what are you waiting for?

After watching the movie (another one I liked), I thought about whether given the option of taking 8-10 close friends and starting a colony without worrying about outside intrusions, would I do it? Honestly, I would at least consider it. Life just seems way too complex to fully enjoy at times and almost every day is information overload thanks to our less wait, more action lifestyles. Have you thought about the last time you really anticipated getting some information or having to wait for something? With the ‘net, On Demand, cell phones, digital cameras, etc., when we want something, we get it. Anticipation is becoming a lost noun in our quicker, faster, better society.

But the thought of restarting life again in a Village-type form? Intriguing. My dream of all dreams is to come into a TON of money, buy a resort/island/Luxembourg and invite all my friends to live there for the rest of our lives. Ahhhhh-some. I know it sounds crazy to start, but imagine if you were like the people in the movie and had lost your family and were questioning everything. Wouldn’t this be the best option? I’d love to place bets that somewhere, someone is doing this right now. Hell, maybe the U.S. is one big ‘village’ and we don’t even know. Alright, enough conspiracy theory for one night…

–Working in hockey and listening to people trying to rationalize the NHL lockout mess is like trying to reason with infants that are crying. It’s maddening, frustrating and in the end, fruitless.

–Who I’d like to meet with going to Heaven or Hell? Another time.

–If you’re ever feeling down, head to Wal-Mart, B.J.’s or Sam’s Club on Saturday afternoon. If you’re not pulling a Clark Griswold and whistling Zippity Doo Daa out of your a**hole by the time they check your receipt at the door, something’s really wrong with you. By the way, why is this necessary? There is no other store that requires you to be checked on the way out, yet anytime I come out of a BJ’s, it’s like passing through customs at LAX. So what if you lose the occasional 5-lb. jar of mayonnaise or 58-pack of Dove soap? It doesn’t make any sense!

–So I’m not a big kid lover, but I was hanging around some people with newborns the other night. I’m not making any statements, but it makes you think. That’s all I’m saying.

–In the same vein as my previous book conversation, I have a bunch of TV seasons to catch up on: Simpsons Season 4/5, The Shield season 2, The Office season 1 and Curb Your Enthusiasm, season 3. Unlike fellow blogger and friend Jason Rathbun, I doubt I’ll have the time to pull this off before 2008.

–I was watching TNT the other day and happened to wonder when exactly the last good Eddie Murphy movie was made. Guesses anyone?

–To close out this week, I’d like to introduce you to a friend of mine who we’ll refer to as ‘Cover Boy.’ As I was strolling down Manchester’s main drag, my eye was caught by this free weekly paper and my buddy’s face smack on the cover. I won’t go into details, but for the ladies in the audience, I do have this guy’s number. Simply click on www.hippopress.com. His name is Paul and I’m his Dating Agent.

–thanks for reading,

p.s. Congrats to my fraternity big brother Aaron for recently getting engaged. While salty at times (you rat bastard), you showed me class before I knew exactly what class was. Thanks big bro…

St. Nason-tine’s Day…

so….hi there.

You’ll notice that I figured out the HTML’ing and have started putting some links up, etc. Nothing too much, but rather a lot of the stuff I’ve talked about here in the past. I was happy to see my good friend and Nason’s Deal Hall-of-Fame candidate Cartoon Clyde picked up the multi-Grammy nominated Green Day disc on my recommendation…and liked it! See? I’m wicked smahhhht.

–As a public service announcement, St. Valentine’s Day is next Monday. I know, I know…thank me later. What is this single white phenomenon doing you say? Going out for a night of dancing and drinking? Hitting up the big city? Nope, working the AHL All-Star game. Fun, huh? Not that I’d really be doing that much anyway; no dressing in black and going out to play on the whole “I hate this day”-type deal like so many people will do next Monday. I’ve always thought the idea of one set day for professing your love was a bit trite, but since so many companies (flowers, candy, Trojan) make mad loot, it’s obvious that our society continues to follow whatever pieces of heart-shaped candy are laid out in front of us.

From one corporate entity to another…

–As most people, I watched the Super Bowl with a group of friends, made way too much food that no one ate (note to self: don’t go out to eat on Super Bowl Day) and saw the third Patriots victory in four seasons. Know what? While winning doesn’t get old, watching it kind of does. I was a bit nervous on the last few drives, but overall I didn’t get that ‘My team won!’ feeling like in the past. Is this what it was like to cheer for the Bulls or the *ugh* Yankees? It’s like it was more fun to cheer an underdog than the front-runner, but winning is better than losing and methinks the Patriots Pro Shop will usurp some of my paycheck very soon. Between the Red Sox and Patriots Pro Shops combined, it’s safe to say that New England is adequately covered in red, blue and white colors from Maine to Connecticut (or as others call it, Lil’ New York). Man, what a sports year. I think a basketball team plays in Boston too…

–For the non-footballers, didn’t the Super Bowl ads suck this year? The few that did get the synapses poppin’ was the Fed Ex Kinko’s ad (top 10 parts of a successful commercial), the Career Builder.com ads (guy working around monkeys…I know from experience) and hmm….I don’t know what else. They were that bad. Thanks to Janet Jackson for ruining TV forever. Did you read that the NFL decided to pull the second airing of the Go Daddy.com ad (featuring the busty girl’s shirt strap popping off in front of Congress) during the actual game? It’s amazing that some people are trying to return our TV culture back to the days of Wally and The Beav, despite the fact we are waaayyyy past that.

–On that same note, thanks to the irreverant humor of Nason North Cell Leader Rob ‘Burgundy or Napolean’ Akerley, we watched a bit too much of Animal Planet’s marathon of Puppy Bowl. This ‘ingenious’ concept features dogs running around on a small and fake football field, filling with water bowls, chew toys and cameras. Commentary? Nope. Commercial breaks? Barely. It’s just dogs running around a 10 x 5 area for hours on end with John Denver-rejected guitar chords in the background. I wish I was kidding. The worst part? No dogs humping or taking a dump anywhere in sight. If you’re going to put on canines for hours, give the viewers what they want. Seriously, dogs on tv doing nothing for hours – that’s what we’re down to for TV programming.

-Alright, more on TV (sorry, but that’s the only real pop culture stuff I’ve got lately):

*I love that new Nike commercial with the guys wearing the masks and the dramatic music. Actually, it’s pretty f’n awesome. I know some people don’t like it, but they’re retarded.

*Right after one of my guilty MTV pleasures – the Real World – is a show that I absolutely love to hate: My Sweet 16. It’s a show based on young, rich kids turning 16 and throwing $250-500 million parties; no exaggeration. Usually I can stand about five minutes and I have to find a Dr. Quinn rerun, but I watched Tuesday night as a young guy planned a party with his dad, who plans parties for rich people. Featured on the show: Dad and son flying to Miami to hang out for the day, Dad calling son ‘Hey man,’ the son buying tops at an expensive women’s store as an incentive for females to come, Dad throwing a temper tantrum after son was asking another planner some questions about the party. You get the idea.

Shows like this drive me crazy because I’m not from that lifestyle and can’t possibly understand how money changes people into complete a**holes. In one scene, the kid was being driven to his party and yelled at an obviously less wealthy person, “This is a $400,000 car!!” In another, Dad said he wouldn’t want a stretch limo coming up to his house because ‘the neighbors would see. That’s so 80’s.’ I’d like to commission a show where white trash get to fight rich pricks in an UFC octagon ring…no rules…10 minutes at a time. Who wouldn’t watch this?

I was going to write a bit more on books, who would I like to meet on the way to heaven (or hell), the Napolean Complex, living in The Village but I think we’ll save it for next week. After this upcoming weekend, I need some easy subjects. Expect a post Tuesday or Wednesday…

thanks for reading,