Weddings are a right of summer, much like BBQ’s, wearing shorts and playing the game of wondering how old bikini-clad girls are. For people in my age range, weddings traditionally evoke one of two emotions, one being ‘Great! They’re married like us!’ or ‘Shit. Now they’re married too!’ This weekend, one of my best friends took the plunge, bringing forth an unforseen question: “What’s the cutoff time for getting him out of this?” (Just kidding, buddy.)
This wedding was different for me as my first in the wedding party. I was excited to be asked and even a little nervous. What was expected of me? What if the groom passed out? Lobster or shrimp? Should I have planned out escape routes? I quickly learned that being in ‘The W.P.’ is the only way to go. I mean, you’re in the band. You dress differenly, have two special entrances with music, sit separately from everyone else, have your own manager (the overzealous wedding planner) and are the center of attention for a few hundred people. You even automatically get paired up with a girl, just for showing up! Throw in the thank you gift and I’m convinced that rolling with anyone else but the wedding party is like sitting in coach.
(But if Under Armour was to design a breatheable tux, I think they’d make a killing. ‘Click clack. I think you hear the wedding party coming.’ That’s money in the bank, baby!)
In general, I think the concept of getting married is good but I think way too many people rush into it. The reasons? Well, they’re varied – couples not spending enough time getting to know each other, a lack of willingness to work out even the smallest of conflicts and just plain immaturity in dealing with life. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and that includes getting hitched. (In researching this piece, I found there are varying opinions on whether the divorce rate is up or down in our country. I blame it on Britney and Kevin.)
Side note: Guys, have this debate with your friends. Tomorrow, Brit divorces Federdouche and becomes single. Somehow, you meet and she’s interested in you, not necessarily for just a one-nighter but something that could develop. Do you go for it? I say yes. Here’s why. Yes, she’s a bit banged up right now with the kids, the media pressure and everything else that comes along with being a celebrity under the microscope. But with multi-millions banked away and the Britney name, you know she will eventually come back and return to the past when all us young boys were hoping for the Yahoo news bulletin “Britney To Appear In Playboy.” Sure, she has/will have two kids. And she’s a bit, well, more middle-school Anna Nicole than new or old school Anna Nicole. But celebs’ kids are always raised by nannies and you know that weight is coming off eventually. You’d have to put up with a little bit of media and some trips down to sweltering Louisiana, but you’d never have to work again, all thanks to the girl that changed the way we view Catholic school girls forever. Worth it? Do you take that gamble? I think so.
(Brit, you can reach me any time via the blog. Smoochie smooch, hun. I’ll cook you dinner and everything.)
Ahem! Sorry about that. Back to marriage.
When talking about rushing into being hitched, there’s only one person to blame and that’s you women. Sorry, but it’s true. It doesn’t make you bad people by any means, but to most guys, it’s bizarre. Rarely do you find men itching to tie the knot, but you do find females working the ground-and-pound offense when it comes to getting them to commit. What further accelerates this is the viral aspect of engagements. Girl A gets engaged and then shows off the ring to Girls B-Z, causing an Outbreak-style affliction in all of her friends that are in relationships. Worse is when the guy is in the room and she gives him the ‘Bobbit Stare,’ a slow turning glare with bad intentions that could scare most serial killers.
It all boils down to the age-old argument: if you’re with a guy and things are progressing, why rush into it? I’ve been a party to many of these conversations and I have yet to hear a convincing argument as to why marriage is a must-do. It’s not something to be rushed into, proven historically by hundreds of failed unions. If one party doesn’t feel right going into that arrangement, then that person’s feelings should be respected. It doesn’t mean that guy loves his gal any less, but it simply means they aren’t ready for arguably the most important commitment you can make with another person outside of booking your cable hookup. Are the half of us with these things swinging around in the wrong here? If so, why? I’d like to let the rest of the troops know.
My opinion has always been happiness comes first, which can be defined differently. That goes for getting engaged, staying single, gay marriage, getting the super-premium ice cream over fat-free, admitting you don’t know anything about front end differential fluid, etc., etc. As long as you are happy, so be it. If you’re getting married just because ‘everyone else is doing it,’ then I just don’t get it. That’s just me, but I was told once that I was the rightest person in the world. (That came from someone that followed up the comment with rolling their eyes and asking me to put my pants back on, but I guess Burger King has different policies than other restaurants.)
Lucikly, both weddings I’m at this summer are of the Nason-approved variety in that all participants are doing this at the right time in their lives. This past weekend, the Dean of Destruction Josh King found someone that was willing to accept the constant fear of bailing her husband out in Donna LaBella, a legitimate farmer’s daughter. (Seriously, she is. She wore pigtails and overalls to the wedding. Alright, that last part I made up. There was a hoedown though.) I’m happy for them and am proud to welcome her into the madness that is our network of friends and family, lovingly dubbed ‘The F**kers and Freeloaders Plan” in cell phone terms. Welcome!
Some other quick notes before my annual summer vacation. Oh, I didn’t tell you? I’m off from doing this until September, but may throw together some unadvertised ‘Best Of’s’ through the next few weeks. As always, I’m looking for new readers so any references are awesome.
-One last wedding thought: I think all weddings should have week-long parties leading up to the ceremony and then afterwards, kind of like winning a sports championship. Seriously, there’s all this planning and it’s over in one or two nights? This is all leading toward my eventual wedding, which officially will be the greatest event of all time. I’ll even give you a ‘save the date’ – June 13th, 2083.
-Over a month ago, I wrote how I wasn’t into this current Red Sox team. That changed pretty quickly as they developed an attitude that is carrying them through to some big wins and a spot atop the AL East as we sail through the A/S break. I wish I could say that I saw this coming, but that would be an Enron-sized lie. At this point, I’m enjoying the ride but getting tired of the national media expecting the Yankees to make a bunch of deals at the trading deadline and return to what is apparently their rightful place in the playoffs. With the Braves’ 13+ season run atop the NL East seemingly coming to an end, I think it’s time for another AL East stalwart to take an absence as well. I am loving the whole A-Rod booing phenomenon though. Tremendous stuff. Why hasn’t Derek Jeter jumped to his defense? Hmmmmmmmmm.
-Way overdue shoutouts for Ron and Leigh Milley who welcomed lil’ Tatum into the world a few weeks ago, Heather and Randy Caron with lil’ Jack (10 weeks?) and Rob Akerley for eating two buffalo chicken wraps, a large fry and 52 Newcastles in a 12-hour span over the Fourth of July weekend. All great accomplishments! (Seriously though, I fear for any boy Tatum brings home to meet the parents. Has a guy in this situation ever had to meet half a fraternity on a first date? YOU BET I cannot wait for that moment.) More pregnancies, births, engagements and eating records on the way….
-Quick summer blockbuster update: X-Men 3 (B+), Davinci Code (B-), Superman Returns (C). The latter just didn’t do it for me, but is being lauded for having a great story. It did, but I’m a comic nerd and much like Poison, I want action tonight…satisfaction! However, if you haven’t seen this trailer yet, you are about to be enlightened. This movie also looks pretty good.
-The object of my man-crush, Dane Cook, continues to roll along. His Tourgasm show on HBO is a pretty entertaining look at a comedy tour, leading up to his two-gig sellout at the new Garden this past April that was filmed for an HBO special. As always, load up at http://www.danecook.com. Some day, I will say something to make this guy laugh. It might be, “I’m way richer than you,” but he’ll at least giggle before his bodyguards beat me down. By the way, I’m straight.
-On the other end of the comedy spectrum is Dave Chappelle, whose brief new material was turned into a whopping three episodes that began last Sunday night. He’s not even bothering to do the hosting part as Charlie Murphy and Donnell Rawlings took over the reins. The first show was ok, but this whole situation is strange to me. It seems like Chappelle has become a sympathetic figure in this, but isn’t there a bigger story here? I mean, he decided to walk away from $55 million and one of the most popular shows/DVD franchises in recent history for what reason? No one still seems sure and that’s what befuddles me. He’s going to have to do something again at some point in his career, right? I assume that will involve comedy or making someone laugh. Why wouldn’t Comedy Central be in its rights to lay claim to anything he does material-wise, since he cost them millions in potential revenue due to this whole mess? I need some resolution here. This guy sums it up pretty well.
-I must publicly thank the Cummings boys for getting me back into Pearl Jam. You rarely see fans as dedicated as these two (other than blog reader Papa Greg who helped light the PJ fuse) and it eventually rubbed off. For those of you that may have strayed away from Eddie, Stone and Jeff, take a listen to the three-disc live Mansfield, MA show from July 11, 2003 (one of the many live shows they released that tour). If you don’t like it, at least you have a great gift to give someone else. OHHS always represents, where the real hook ’em horns were created.
Finally, I urge you to buy The Whatnot’s second effort, One More For Pocket, on July 25th. Based out of Portsmouth, NH, they are a great three-piece band that provide a nice balance to most of the heavy, aggressive shit I usually listen to. You can listen to three full tracks on www.myspace.com/thewhatnot from the disc and the also well-recieved ‘Thunderclouds’ from their debut effort, What You Make Of It, also another great pickup. (It’s on Itunes for you physical cd haters.) The new disc will be in Bull Moose Music and ‘other fine record stores and retailers.’ I could also probably get the bass player to sleep on your couch or cook you some fondue if that makes a difference.
thanks for reading, have a great rest of summer and look for the best of’s soon,
p.s. Send all congrats, well-wishes or marital advice to Mr. and Mrs. King at firstname.lastname@example.org.